Turmoil over Parking Lot

As the hands and mouths in Arroyo Grande that feed each other turn around and bite each other, turmoil in Arroyo Grande spins out of control. Apparently the fabled downtown mall parking lot will close: the town and landlord can’t agree on terms to extend the lease.

(Arroyo Grande) “Last minute negotiations with a parking lot heiress reached an impasse over the weekend,” according to a press release from Mayor Martinez’s office in Arroyo Grande. “We think necessity is the mother of invention,” said the Mayor. “The town will use the money saved to subsidize employee Christmas bonuses.”

According to Friction sources, the yellow police tape goes up on Monday Nov. 1 and the rainbow of hope sets on the Downtown Mall. Observers predict a flurry of phone calls between Mall landlord PollyAnna and Anna Heiress of the downtown combine as landlords and merchants scramble to do…something.

The call has gone out: “Lou, Lou, where is Parking Lot Lou?”

The director of the local chamber of commerce said had hadn’t been informed. “I’ve been busy at meetings. But with 75 downtown empty shops, we’ve got problems and need to schedule more meetings.”

Observers say if the famed Downtown Mall parking lot closes, the last hope for a busy Christmas season will expire. Merchants have used up their savings to pay bills, while waiting for the historic Christmas gift-giving season.

“I’ve got enough dough left for a bus ticket,” said one shopkeeper.

“It’s truly the nightmare before Christmas,” said another.

“Hey, like Virginia, I believe in Santa Claus. But Santa Claus got coal this year, not candy canes,” said a curio vendor. “Don’t say my name. They’ll boycott me for being negative.”

“Tourists will visit other shops and locals will forget we exist if they can’t park,” said a worrywart seller of western memorabilia. “Look at what happened in the Historic Plaza. No free parking, no locals. Empty shops–first time since Saki raised rents in the 80s.”

“It’s good news for Longtime Lou,” said a spokesman for Union 1165, a parking lot labor rep. “He can move back into his condo just in time for the holiday meet and greet season.”

“I knew this day would come,” said Lou. “I’ve continued to lobby against automation (parking meters) at downtown gallery openings. My hair is grayer but I’ve still got my chops.” He flashed a gap-tooth grin. “Folks glad to see my condo back up in the lot. I can handle a hundred daily in and outs—no plobleme.”

A green energy maven said, “Fewer sales means less volume at the landfill and decreased amounts of greenhouse gas. We applaud the mayor for reducing mass due to indirect restrictions on packaging.”

Asked about local metro leadership and responsibility for merchant-tourist success, the son of a former Mayor said, “There’s plenty of parking. It’s time for tourists and locals to walk the extra block and make a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. I say to consumers and merchants: cure thyself.”

“We don’t know anything. It’s not our responsibility. Maybe we should remove the Town Council,” TMS board members said in response to a request for comment.

An elected official at the County said, “Give me a third term and I can fix the problem.”

“As soon as we install broadband, bricks and mortar will be obsolete anyway,” said the Coop manager. “It’s all about economies of scale. But I’ll check with my board. There might be an opportunity to visit other communities and educate the trustees.”

A spokesman for Gubernatorial candidate Susana Martinez suggested checking Lou’s credentials. “I’ve seen that guy. Detroit? He might not have a green card.”

“Lou’s cool,” said the Barber. “He doesn’t smoke a lot.”